Real Madrid v Barcelona - as it happened

Champions League

Real Madrid 0
Barcelona 2	Messi 76, Messi 87

A typical scene at the Bernabéu Photograph: Lluis Gene/AFP/Getty Images
¡Hola! And welcome to part three of the El Clásico tetralogy. It's the semi-final of the Champions League, the biggest club competition in football, between the two grandest clubs in Spain the world, and the two best sides to boot. ¡Great!
That's an end to the hyperbole, though. Parts one and two, in La Liga and the Copa del Rey, were nothing short of appalling. And with Jose Mourinho having now worked out exactly how best to get under Barcelona's skin, both on and off the pitch, don't expect too much expansive entertainment tonight.
You'll thank me for tempting fate like this when a nine-goal thriller unfolds from: 7.45pm BST.
Real Madrid: Casillas, Arbeloa, Sergio Ramos, Albiol, Marcelo, Alonso, Pepe, Diarra, Ozil, Ronaldo, Di Maria. Subs: Adan, Kaka, Benzema, Granero, Garay, Higuain, Adebayor.
Barcelona: Valdes, Dani Alves, Pique, Busquets, Puyol, Xavi, Mascherano, Keita, Pedro, Messi, Villa. Subs: Pinto, Jeffren, Milito, Afellay, Fontas, Roberto, Thiago.
Referee: Wolfgang Stark (Germany).
This is the fourth time the two Spanish giants have been drawn together in either the Champions League or the European Champion Clubs' Cup. There have been two previous semi-final meetings, and Real have won them both. They triumphed 6-2 on aggregate in 1960, with a pair of 3-1 victories, and 3-1 on aggregate in 2002, the hard work there being done at Camp Nou with a 2-0 win. Some of the greats through the ages scored for Real in those games: Puskas, Gento, Di Stefano, Raul, Zidane and, er, McManaman.
Barcelona's single triumph over Real on this stage, meanwhile, came in the second round of the 1960/61 competition Barcelona had just won their second La Liga title in a row under Helenio Herrera (though they had since parted company with the Argentinian manager), while Madrid had recently given their signature performance, thrashing Eintracht Frankfurt 7-3 in the 1960 final.
Both legs were refereed by Englishmen and on both occasions Real blamed the officials. In the first leg at the Bernabeu, Real were 2-1 up with three minutes to play when referee Arthur Ellis ignored a linesman flagging Sandor Kocsis offside, waved play on, then blew for a penalty when the Hungarian was fouled. Barcelona equalised and for the first time in the tournament's history, a team left Real's stadium unbeaten.
In the second leg, referee Reg Leafe disallowed four goals, three of them by Real. "Leafe was Barcelona's best player," said Real president Santiago Bernabeu after the match, a fact borne out by footage which offers little supporting evidence in the way of foul play. Alfredo di Stefano muttered darkly of a Uefa conspiracy, suggesting the ruling body were fed up with Real's domination of "their cup". But he had to face facts: Real had been dumped out of Europe for the first time ever, and by their bitter rivals to boot.
But here we are in 2011. And what an atmosphere there is in the Bernabeu. Dear me. The teams take to the pitch. Real look very relaxed. Barcelona still look shell-shocked from their defeat in the cup final, after which both Lionel Messi and Pep Guardiola looked dead behind the eyes. That 5-0 seems a long time ago at the moment. Guardiola has, of course, been forced to spend this week putting up with Mourinho repeatedly jabbing his finger in the centre of his chest, asking him what he thinks about that then.
Jose Mourinho swans down the staircase towards the pitch like... ah but you already know how he's swanning. And we're off! The first 30 seconds sees a display of fine tiki-taka - from Real Madrid. A minute's gone and Barca have hardly touched the ball. The noise is unbelievable.
3 min: Nobody's able to control the ball yet. You wouldn't catch Stoke City playing this badly, not even on a rainy night. Another 87 minutes of this and Andy Gray will be feeling very smug this evening.
4 min: A couple of lame shots at either end, first by Xavi, then by Alonso. Much whistling from the crowd. In other news, it appears Eamon Dunphy is feeling fruity. "Over on RTE," reports Irish reader Paul Bergin, "Dunphy has proclaimed that 'there isn't a finer way to spend two hours ... well, at least not in a way that can be said on television'." Watch out, Dublin, you may have a long night ahead of you.
7 min: Barca stroke the ball around for a couple of minutes, getting a feel of the thing. Real appear happy enough with this, as it's all in the visitors' half. Eventually Barca get fed up and pump a long ball down the left. Pedro hares after it, but Arbeloa is there to snuff any danger out. "Does Jose look more unshaven and suave than usual?" wonders Ryan Dunne. "Looks like his mind games have extended to subtly challenging Pep's role as the sexiest manager with best facial hair in the league. He'll be rocking waistcoats next."
10 min: I'll be straight with you: this is rubbish so far. "If the game isn't sufficiently entertaining, I'll still keep clicking F5 for the See Also links on your MBM," writes Alex Moffett. "They change every time you reload and they almost never have anything to do with football. My favourite link title so far: The Guardian Guide to Camping, placed right alongside the pics of Ronaldo and Messi. I can't think of a better caption."
11 min: Suddenly Villa explodes into life, out on the right, dropping a shoulder and zipping along the front of the Real box before launching a low fizzer just wide left of the goal. I'm not entirely sure Casillas would have got to that had the shot been tucked right in the corner. Wonderful.
13 min: Xavi and Messi tiki-taka across the front of the Real box, right to left, before rolling the ball out wide to Pedro, whose ball inside from space on the left is nothing short of pathetic. Rolled slowly into the box in the style of David Bryant, it's swept away with disdain - and possibly disgust - by Sergio Ramos. "It seems like whenever Arthur Ellis and Sandor Kocsis are on the same pitch, controversy will follow," begins a wistful James Wells. "Mr. Ellis refereed the Battle of Berne between Brazil and Hungary at the 1954 World Cup. Those were the days, when you could smash a bottle on an opponent's face in the locker room after the match and not face any punishment whatsoever." Ssh, don't be giving Jose any ideas, for the love of God.
17 min: Barcelona are knocking it around the back again. Real cannot be bothered to come out to challenge them. The minute it enters the Real half, though, in fly the tackles. Soon enough, Barca either go backwards, or lose the ball. The away side haven't started poorly - they've whacked in the only decent effort towards goal so far, after all - but they don't look their confident self.
20 min: Di Maria, fed up chilling out in his own half as Barca fanny around with the ball down the other end, decides to hassle Valdes as the keeper deals with a backpass. Valdes slices his clearance into the stands. Nothing comes of the move, but Barca aren't displaying that early-season glide in their stride at all.
22 min: "Mourinho may be a master motivator," begins Clay Campbell, "but Cristiano Ronaldo's "pressing" looks like my child after being told to brush his teeth and head to bed." His team-mates are taking up the slack, Clay. Alves ties himself in knots under pressure down the Real left by Marcelo, and concedes a corner. Marcelo takes it quickly to Di Maria, who sashays into the box, but delays his cross, allowing Pique to hassle him out of it.
24 min: A peach of a reverse pass rolled down the inside right channel by Messi for Xavi, who for a split second has room in the box to shoot goalwards. Casillas comes out quickly to block, and claim the loose ball. Great play all round.
27 min: Messi tries to skitter down the left, but is bullied out of it by Sergio Ramos and Arbeloa.
30 min: Barcelona are getting slightly frustrated. They stroke the ball around in the middle of the Real half, Messi, Pedro, Villa, Xavi and Keita all involved in the pursuit of beauty, but Real push them back whenever they look to threaten the area. Eventually Xavi gets fed up and belabours a ludicrous effort miles over the bar. Patience, people.
33 min: Villa is sprung clear down the right, on the edge of the box, but within milliseconds, two white shirts are right up in his grille, making his life hell. Villa - short on confidence - miscontrols and the ball clatters out off his shin for a goal kick.
34 min: Real hoick a long free kick into the area from the halfway line on the left. The ball finds Pepe's head, and is sent goalwards, albeit very slowly. Valdes plucks the ball from the air without fuss. "I'm no fan of Real, but it's comical to see so many getting mad at them and calling them anti-football because of that whole 'trying' thing where they don't let Barca walk all over them," reasons Doug English. "After all, who can play Barca's game with them and win? They possess a level of self-satisfied smugness and sense of entitlement that simply cannot be rivalled." Even by Real Madrid and Mourinho? Ha! That it's come to this.
37 min: Di Maria is knocked over down the left, near the corner flag, by Alves. Mascherano is hovering around, too, just to make sure. There's a brief brouhaha, the poor referee in the middle of a whirlwind. Barca are claiming Di Maria went down too easily, Real suggest there might have been a murder. The referee eventually calms things down, and we move on. The free kick is wasted.
40 min: Everyone's lost the place again. Alves and Ozil tangle. Pedro runs into Arbeloa, and falls to the ground in the dramatic style. Pique and Sergio Ramos attempt to strangle each other. Guardiola jigs around like a madman on the touchline. It's all going on at once, in different areas of the pitch. Lovely. It's like an exceedingly lame version of this. James Wells (13 mins) will be loving it. All that's missing is Mourinho hoving into view with a broken bottle, or maybe a barstool. But the referee calms everyone down again eventually. When it's all over, Arbeloa gets a yellow card for, it has to be said, not very much at all.
43 min: The Bernabeu explodes in hot heat as Alves once again takes down Di Maria. He's booked. Back on the halfway line, Marcelo and Busquets get involved, the latter mounting the former. Busquets eventually falls to the floor clutching his nose. He is a total disgrace: he's not been touched, unless a hot therm of air has whipped up one nostril and singed a few hairs. Utterly pathetic, especially when you consider his antics against Internazionale last year. No respecting fan of football should have any time for this eejit at all.
45 min: What a chance missed by Ozil! Ronaldo takes a lash from 25 yards, slightly to the left. Valdes parries the ball out, but only to Ozil, coming into the area down the inside-left channel. He's one on one, but only hammers the ball straight at the keeper, who saves well. It's lucky that didn't go in, because Ozil was offside but not flagged.
HALF TIME: Real Madrid 0-0 Barcelona. And that's that for the half. Why can't everyone play nicely?
THE HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT... is a fight. It all kicked off as the teams left the pitch! Let's not be too judgemental, so woo-hoo! Not much idea what happened, other than there was a big cloud with a few fists and boots sticking out of it, and Mascherano was standing bang slap in the middle with an innocent look on his face. This suggests he's started the whole brouhaha off. But no: apparently Pinto, Barcelona's substitute keeper, has been sent off in the tunnel for swinging fresh-air haymakers like a madman. ¿What on earth was he up to? "Honestly, I am glad these guys are football players," writes Juergen Messner, "as most of them look like they would collect ASBOs if let free into the normal world."
And we're off again! "Best teams in the world my sweet bippy!" writes Ben Stokes, using the cutting-edge language of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In. "Spurs v Arsenal would have been 3-3 by now, with every goal being in some way hilarious. Bah." Oh I think there's some comedy to come yet. Anyway, here we go. Adebayor has come on for Ozil, by the way.
46 min: Barca are instantly on the front foot, Pedro wheeching down the right and sending a low ball into the centre. Messi takes a shot that's instantly charged down by Albiol. Already they look to have made a conscious decision to pick up the tempo.
48 min: Alonso tries one of his trademark shots from inside his own half. It flies miles over the bar. "Barcelona are aware that they were drawn against Real Madrid and not the officials aren't they?" wonders Gary Naylor. "What an obnoxious lot they are from top to bottom. Give me Stoke's anti-football if that's the beautiful game."
50 min: Ronaldo has the ball at his feet to the right of the Barca goal after Puyol and Pique get themselves in a tangle under a high ball, but his shot towards the bottom-right corner is weak and obvious, and charged down by a recovered Puyol. "Any signs of Jorge Valdano waiving a stick with excrement on it?" wonders Harinder Braich.
53 min: Sergio Ramos will miss the second leg after picking up a yellow card for a ridiculous body check on Messi. Totally needless, as this occurred 40 yards from goal and there were white shirts around the wee man ready to snuff out his run. "Can we finally agree that Jose is a danger to enjoying football?" asks Mark Cook. Oh I don't know, he makes things happen, you've got to give him that. Just imagine him cavorting around Wembley next month, after Real win the final 1-0 on penalties after forcing a 0-0 draw with eight men. You'd have a heart of stone not to be highly amused by that sort of carry-on.
56 min: Mascherano is in the book now, for a mistimed lunge for the ball as Pepe looked to scoot past at high velocity. The Real player takes a tumble, the Bernabeu erupts, and the card comes out. Nothing unpleasant, but rules are rules. The free kick is lumped into the area with an almost total lack of wit, and claimed easily by Valdes. "What a pair of fannies Pedro and Busquets are," writes Sidney Bliss. "My granny has taken harder knocks in the seven items or less queue at Asda and stayed on her feet. Her nose does look like someone's elbowed it, though."
59 min: Real have upped their game. First Ronaldo hassles Valdes, who's put under pressure by a poor back pass from Mascherano. Then Di Maria tries to release Ronaldo down the right with a crossfield pass, but overcooks it and sends it behind for a goal kick. "I'm getting confused," cries Ben Fitzpatrick. "Can someone please explain to me what I am supposed to think of Barcelona? Are they still the most amazing, perfect, 'best team ever' or are they are bunch of whiny, diving, sanctimonious cheats who need a good shoeing? I feel like the common consensus barometer swings daily." Best team in history ma hole, is my contribution to the debate. Of course, if they get their act together for the rest of this competition, and start knocking it around in the style the hype suggests, I reserve the right to change my mind.
62 min: IT HAD TO HAPPEN. Pepe is sent off for a foot-up challenge on Alves. He didn't make contact, though there was enough intent, and you can't be bombing around the pitch showing your studs at shin height. On the touchline, Mourinho scrunches up his nose, then applauds Alves as he's carried off. He mouths "well done" to the fourth official, and gives him the thumbs up. And is sent to the stand for his trouble. Oh me, oh my.
65 min: Mourinho, never one to turn down a photo opportunity, or the chance to cast himself in the role of martyr, plonks himself down behind some metal bars.
66 min: Headers at either end, the first by Ronaldo, the next by Pedro, neither any good.
68 min: Xavi rolls towards the Real box with the ball at his feet, then slides a pass out left to Villa, who cuts inside and aims for the top-right corner. Casillas palms out, but only to Pedro, who can't guide a header into the unguarded net, sending it wide left instead. "Enough now, enough of the lauding of Barca," writes Cathal O'Flaherty. "To see more than half the team sprinting towards the referee after Pepe's foul shows exactly what kind of characters these guys have. They play great football, but their conduct is disgraceful."
71 min: Pedro - who had his knee stepped on accidentally by Marcelo during the previous passage of play - is replaced by Affelay.
73 min: "When Arsenal play entertaining, but trophy-less, football people say they need to be more cynical and pragmatic," begins James Wells. "When these teams play cagey, cynical, trophy-winning football, people complain that they aren't entertaining enough. Can we all just admit that this football/anti-football stuff is a metaphorical glass bottle to smash teams we don't like in the face with? Anti-football is West Germany versus Austria in 1982, everything else is just dull football." Fair point, but what is it with you and bottles, James (13 mins)? Do you need to talk? Anyway, Pique clatters into Ronaldo, 30 yards out, just to the right of goal. This is a decent chance to get a shot on target.
75 min: Given what's gone before in this game, it's not much of a surprise to see Ronaldo welt a dismal effort into the stand. State of this game.
76 min: GOAL!!! Real Madrid 0-1 Barcelona. This game has been dismal, but out of nothing, a small pearl. Affelay breaks down the right, and whips a low ball into Real's six-yard box. Messi races towards the near post and toe-pokes a clever finish under Casillas and into the net. The Bernabeu explodes in noise, though not much of it is the sort you'd associate with happiness.
79 min: Barcelona are putting the passes together again. Real are signally frustrated. Di Maria, running at full pelt, attempts to shoulder charge Puyol into the stand.
82 min: Adebayor is booked for shoving Mascherano in the face and pushing him to the floor. That should have been a straight red. Anyway, here's HOW SNOOKER CAN SAVE THE FARCE THAT IS TOP-LEVEL ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL. "At the beginning of this match, I was faced with the choice of continuing to watch the snooker between John Higgins and Ronnie O'Sullivan or switching over to watch this," begins Matthew Parsons. "The last thing I watched of the snooker, the ref called a free ball on a Higgins snooker escape attempt, and instead of gratefully taking it on, O'Sullivan turned to him and said it wasn't a free ball. O'Sullivan put Higgins back in who pulls out an awesome pot to win the frame. The honesty to make that call with a bit of gentle agreement between the players (even if there was still disagreement with the ref) is so nice to see compared to this. The lesson? Put Messi, Ronaldo and co in bow-ties and waistcoats and the respect campaign will take right off." I'd go with that. But if they all start taking cocaine and threatening to get each other shot by sectarian paramilitaries, that's when the experiment ends, agreed?
85 min: Barcelona are just stroking it around now. Real can't get hold of the ball at all. "The self-anointed biggest club in the world is playing appallingly negative football, and everyone is bitching about Barcelona instead?" wonders Tracy Mohr, not unreasonably, let's face it.
87 min: ALL THAT NONSENSE WAS WORTH SITTING THROUGH!!! Real Madrid 0-2 Barcelona. What a goal this is. Messi picks up the ball at speed in the middle of the Real half. He slaloms down the centre of the field, evading challenges by five separate white shirts, before entering the box. He's drifting to the right of goal, but no matter: he draws Casillas and dinks deliciously past the advancing keeper on the left and sends the ball bouncing into the bottom-left corner. That was pure genius, absolutely majestic, a goal for the ages. That it's come at the end of this shambles of a game is something of a saver for football's reputation.
90 min: The invisible Villa goes off, to be replaced by the 19-year-old Sergi Roberto.
FULL TIME: Real Madrid 0-2 Barcelona. And that's that. Though it doesn't mean the action's over. The teams haven't left the pitch. There could be a 15-minute brawl yet.
But no, there's no fight. Alonso wags his finger in the referee's face for a while, and an upset Marcelo is escorted off the pitch by his team-mates before he can expand on his funk, but there's nothing like the shameful and shameless shenanigans that went on at half time. Mourinho breaks free of his prison cell and walks off with a face on. And that's that. A more petulant game you'll do well to see, but Lionel Messi rose above it all with a moment of sublime genius. Real have a job and a half on if they want to play at Wembley next month. Let's face it, it's a Barcelona v Manchester United final again, isn't it?